written by After5 Contributor: Valerie Estrina
The paths we walk in life are many – some more treacherous than others. Amid the chaos, the tears, and the growing pains of coming into yourself within your complicated, messy yet beautiful human experience, friendship is the glue that holds parts of you together. What does the word friendship evoke in you? None of us are immune to oversimplification, so we make friendship about bracelets, parties, and brunches. Deep down, however, there's much more to it. Beneath the veil of social gatherings and coffee dates lies connection, a lantern in the dark illuminating your path. A force so powerful it moves you. A look across the room. A kitchen filled with laughter. Tough conversations. No words spoken or fake niceties needed to see right through each other. Good friendship is a diamond in the rough: rare and hard to find, yet brilliantly and unmistakably tangible. Here are a few things I’ve learned about it along the way.
1. You’re not being “too much”
I know, I know. The contemporary world is obsessed with autonomy and that, in turn, is exacerbated by the desire to separate the self from the other. It’s only natural we’ve conditioned ourselves into emotional restraint, keeping things casual, and caring to be perceived as effortlessly nonchalant. Being all of you – and by that, I mean, displaying your emotions and getting attached to people is relentlessly frowned upon. We see friendships as a nice-to-have, not a necessity. Understandably, we want to orbit in other people’s space without hovering over them and occupying too much mental and emotional space. But it doesn’t mean that that’s how we feel at our core: if we were to take a deeper look at how we’re wired and what makes us happy, deep connection would be at the top of the list for most. Wanting to invest emotionally is normal, and so is expecting the same in return. Requiring emotional sustenance from the people in your life isn’t being too much – it’s being human. If you find yourself feeling too fragile, too needy, too sensitive, too out there, most of the time, you’re just in the wrong company. The people you belong with are the ones who can see all of you, not pick and choose sides of you as they see fit.
2. Don’t try to measure reciprocity
Despite what we’ve been told to believe, equality in relationships is not something we can easily measure or establish. Good friendship is a constant unconditional give and take that is rarely split perfectly in the middle. In a vacuum and theory, perhaps, our actions would be met with reciprocity in equivalent proportion to our efforts – but that’s not the case in the real world. Life happens. People get busier, while others are more available. Some are bad texters, others hate making plans. Sometimes you’re the one to call more, to provide unconditional support, to be there for someone you’re not exactly sure would be there for you. I know this goes against a lot of the advice you’ve heard, but with that knowledge comes great relief. I’ll never shy away from giving more than I’ve been given: I’ve made peace with the fact that no relationship is a perfect 50/50 split, and that’s entirely okay. Let your goodness shine through out of love, not out of pending reciprocity and futile expectations. You’ll be surprised at how much you’re willing to give when you’re not worried about what you’ll be getting in return. Accepting the inequality and giving what you can will set you free – and in time, looking back, you’ll find it all comes back around in the best way.
3. Some friendships you thought would never end, will
I’ve had people in my life I was convinced would always be in the picture, rain or shine. It was a set-in-stone scripture, our special, one of a kind connection. I’d imagine us retired traveling through Kyoto or embarking on a small business together. I’d picture myself at their wedding. Over time, things faded. We no longer follow each other on social media, I’ve forgotten their birthday, and I don’t know their current partner’s name. What once was a missing puzzle piece to my soul is now a phone number I don’t call or text. Circumstances change with the seasons – the people you thought would be in your life forever will end up fractions of nostalgia, a semi-sweet aftertaste of knowing someone deeply, and the drifting point is not something we can foresee until it’s over. First, there’s nothing wrong with you if –and when– that happens. Second, there’s nothing you could’ve done differently to prevent this turn of events. Life, much like the ocean, fluctuates and takes us places we didn’t know existed. You must trust the power of the universe with its mysterious ways and magnetic fields to know you’ll be okay with or without. Connected to everything and attached to nothing, as they say.
4. Some friendships you thought were over, aren’t
On the contrary, finding your way back to each other can be a beautiful thing. I’m a sensitive being who tends to slam doors shut when I’m upset, disrespected, or faced with conflict that feels irreparable. I know I’m far from the only one – we’re all equipped with a mute button, after all. Out of sight, out of mind. Over the years, I’ve realized it’s crucial to hold space for forgiveness and revival, and keep the door open for those you once said goodbye to. Not every falling out is indefinite, no matter how dramatic or justified it felt in the moment. Having faith in not just your own growth, but other people’s ability to change for the better can bring out the alchemy of timing and circumstance, rendering magically ironic beginnings that bring you back together. You have every right to let somebody in as long as it feels right. Your friendship may not look the same as it once used to, but it still has a place to rise from the soil of your past and flourish into something new and unbeknownst.
5. You have to talk about the bad stuff, too
Sometimes friendships can feel like a contest – at least I know I’m guilty of trying to present myself in the best light for the sake of keeping up. Give me the cool girl badge: I’m always doing well, up for adventure, never not in the mood. Especially when it comes to the people I admire and look up to. What I found over time is it’s nearly impossible to build a real friendship on the foundation of humble bragging and swerving every bump of uncomfortable topics. If you crave something more profound and meaningful, you must take the brave baby step into the uglier territories and talk about the challenges you’re being faced with, no matter how unnatural it may feel in the beginning. And no, it’s not oversharing – it’s letting someone in on the scar tissue that made you who you are today. Not only will your connection strengthen, but you’ll be pleasantly surprised with how easy it is to be yourself once the cool girl facade has fallen. My friends’ joy is my joy, and their pain is my pain, too.
6. Be a friend to yourself before being a friend to others
In the past, I would overextend myself beyond my means. Mostly for validation, attention, and convenience with a little fear of loneliness sprinkled on top. Another event I don’t care about? Let’s go. Doing someone a favor when I don’t want to? Sure thing. Not speaking up when something goes wrong? Guilty. Choosing between others and myself seemed like a no-brainer – otherwise, how else am I going to have good people in my life? I was wrong. Going against my instincts only brought in more loneliness I was so desperately trying to get away from. Only by taking the time to build myself up through trial and error and become the safe space I needed, I’ve been able to extend a more stable and supportive friendship outward, building longlasting connections with the people I care about. Sometimes, self-loyalty looks like saying no to an event when you’re tired. Other times, it’s standing up for yourself in a conversation. This isn’t about selfish strides or excessive setting of boundaries, but about knowing that genuine friendship is built on respect – both for myself and, as a natural consequence, for others.
These lessons remind me that good friendships are like roots, grounding us through the highs and lows, the summers and winters of life. We may never know or understand the cards we’re dealt with – but that’s precisely what friends are for, to hold our hand and laugh through it all with. And brunches.
About After5 Contributor: Valerie Estrina
Valerie Estrina is a writer and tech marketer based in Amsterdam. Currently writing a cultural newsletter Club Reticent with over 8.000 readers, a deep dive into pop culture and zeitgeist through the lens of womanhood. She’s lived and worked in 5 countries and continues to explore creativity by embarking on various projects, from online community building to music.